[He'd wave a hand dismissively right about now if he wasn't busy koala-ing still. Maybe he's playing a little game of "how long with Lan Wangji let me get away with this"... He's already a little surprised by the apparent answer, which is longer than .01 seconds. He never anticipated this??]
I don't invite them to! [He says, having literally offered his service as a murder victim up to Itaru a week or two ago.] They just know they can have a good time with me, probably.
[Absolutely terrible phrasing. HE REALLY CAN'T EVER LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.]
[Lan Wangji's a little surprised at himself, honestly. Maybe it's the fact that no one else can stumble upon them here that's making him more receptive. It could be because he'd steeled himself earlier, since he had been actively seeking Wei Wuxian out, before they ended up here.
(Or maybe he wants to see, just once, what it's like if he doesn't automatically fight against what he wants.)
Regardless, Wei Wuxian's not going to make it easy on him, it seems. Lan Wangji fixes his gaze on the wall across from them, ignoring the urge to cross his arms like a child.]
Hm.
[HE PICKED UP ON THAT PHRASING AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT ONE SINGLE BIT.]
[God please no a petulant Lan Wangji is one of the most fun to heckle... Actually all Lan Wangjis are the most fun to heckle BUT LOOK.
What a prickly reaction, though... What a prickly guy! He sighs, curling his fingers into the crook of Lan Wangji's elbow to give his arm a petulant tug or three. He is absolutely pouting. What a goblin-like creature. Just throw him into the lava goddamn.]
Aiyo, Lan Zhan - why don't you ever look at me when we're talking unless you're trying to kill or scold me? Is my handsome face too much for you? Come on, don't talk to the wall. I'm much more interesting!
[STOP WHY MUST HE BE HECKLED!! What has he ever done to deserve this... yeah though Wei Wuxian should absolutely be dumped in the lava. Unfortunately, Lan Wangji's just going to sit here and let himself be pulled on, so no flesh-melting accidents here.
He breathes out through his nose, heavily tempted to ignore Wei Wuxian, and keep staring at the wall. They're already far too close--all this touching is hard enough for him to handle, and he doesn't want to hear Wei Wuxian's joking flirtations, especially right after being made to think about him with other people. (FUCKIN ITARU.) It would be easy enough to hold out; he has plenty of practice ignoring Wei Wuxian.
But--they are pressed together like this, and he knows himself. He won't pull away, or let Wei Wuxian pull away, until the charm has worn off. And if he's already permitted himself this much, then...
On a whim, he shifts, turning to stare directly at Wei Wuxian's face with the sort of intent focus he reserves for very important things.
[HE MUST BE HECKLED BECAUSE HE'S LAN WANGJI, THE MOST FUN PERSON TO TEASE AND RILE UP IN THE HISTORY OF LITERALLY EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING EVER!!
Wow though he didn't actually expect that. There's a second where he's blinking in open surprise... But then he's just GRINNING A GREMLIN GRIN. It's easier to not be flustered when 1) his face is thicker than Arctic ice and 2) he's sure Lan Wangji is just doing this because, as usual, he can't seem to help but rise and take the all-too-obvious bait. Which just makes him want to bully more! The vicious cycle continues!! If only he wasn't so fun to tease for mysterious reasons he can't figure out.
Apparently they're playing gay chicken now though, since he leans in further himself, definitely too close to be appropriate. He's still chilly, but the way he hugs Lan Wangji's arm to his chest is absolutely just a flirtatious tease this time instead of an attempt to warm up.]
Well? What do you think, Lan Zhan? Do you like what you see?
[THE CYCLE CONTINUES especially because this Lan Wangji doesn't know how to play gay chicken. HE JUST IS GAY. SAVE HIM FROM THIS GAME HE DIDN'T AGREE TO PLAY.
Wei Wuxian earns himself a sharp inhale, and Lan Wangji's eyes dart across his face, taking in his expression. It makes him press his lips together, brow furrowing in apparent discontent--but he gave in and looked when Wei Wuxian asked him to, so he isn't going to look away now. He's tensing up again, and his hand twitches where it's still resting on Wei Wuxian's side, but otherwise he seems to be doing his best statue impersonation.]
Shameless. [It's the best reply he's got when he can't actually say "no".]
[AH, THE GOOD OL' "SHAMELESS". It's been a while (read: probably since like yesterday) since he's heard that from Lan Wangji. He laughs, bold enough to rest his chin on the shoulder of this man who's stabbed him for less. Look?? He hasn't been stabbed yet??? It just makes him want to keep testing his boundaries, see how far he can push it before he crosses the line.]
Mm, you've said that before, yes. You know, at this rate I'm going to actually start to believe it's true!
[But gosh how could it ever be!! He, an innocent Wei Wuxian, has never been shameless a day in his life.]
But you know, Lan Zhan - that isn't a yes or a no. How rare! I'll have to remember this.
[Wei Wuxian leaning his head on him just serves to make Lan Wangji even more acutely aware of how close they are, and he has to take a deep, steadying breath through his nose to keep his mind focused. Truly, this is a harder test than anything he's faced before.]
What would you do if I said "yes"?
[He's not-- saying it outright, but. Listen. He just wants to know where Wei Wuxian thinks this is going, okay. Is it even possible to fluster him back, or does he actually have a flirtatious response to everything? Lan Wangji's always assumed the latter--he knows he has no hope of winning anything with words, even if he'd wanted to. But something brazen's taken hold of him, and he speaks before he thinks. It's becoming a bad habit and it's entirely Wei Wuxian's fault.]
["Is it even possible to fluster him back" IF ONLY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO FLUSTER HIM BACK!! Honestly he'd be flustered if he knew this was legit and didn't just think it was Lan Wangji refusing to lose to him at gay chicken, god.
It is possible to surprise him, though. Lan Wangji's done it again and again in the span of just a few minutes - more surprises than he's gotten from Lan Wangji outside of Surprise Death in ages. He's a terrible gremlin with no face to lose, though! The antes are being upped and Wei Wuxian's not about to be outdone.
So he unhooks his demon hands from Lan Wangji's arm, instead moving one up to his cheek and sitting upright--]
Then it would only be fair if I gave you a better angle to look at, right?
[--So he can, in one fluid motion, slide himself over onto Lan Wangji's lap instead. Now Lan Wangji doesn't have to turn his head to look! He grabs this poor soul's face with both hands, grinning and fully expecting like .2 seconds before he gets kicked down into the lava below.]
[WELP, that sure does get Lan Wangji to snap out of whatever bold haze possessed him. His eyes widen, ears flushing, and he immediately grabs Wei Wuxian's waist to bodily lift him up and slam him to the wall beside them. HE'S FLUSTERED AS HELL but he's not going to dropkick Wei Wuxian into the lava, even though it's absolutely what this gremlin deserves.]
Don't--!
[Don't tease he almost, almost says--but that would be giving away far too much, so he cuts himself off, and just sort of. Stares, eyes still wide.]
[TERRIBLE. Wei Wuxian, that is - considering he's sure seeming pretty a-okay for someone who just got wholeass slammed into a wall. There was definitely a hotass second there where he fully expected to feel the burn of lava instead of the solidness of the wall, and even though he's a bit winded by it, he's still wheeze-cackling...]
Ha-- ow, ow— Ahaha - Lan Zhan, how cute! [HIS RED EARS. He reaches forward to tweak one gently with a hand, scrambling to right himself. At least he doesn't sit in Lan Wangji's lap again, even if he still sticks himself right back against his side.]
Come on, be kind to me. I'm still not warmed up all the way.
[It only takes him a second to realize where his hands are, and he snatches them back like Wei Wuxian actually is on fire, turning away to rest his fists on his legs again. He's so rattled that he doesn't even see Wei Wuxian going for his ear, and the glare he shoots him is harsher than he'd intended--not that that means a whole lot, considering his eyes are STILL FUCKIN BRIGHT RED.]
Inappropriate. [He mutters it, embarrassed at his own wild overreaction, at Wei Wuxian's shamelessness--and frustrated with himself, for reasons he doesn't dare get distracted by here.] Behave yourself.
[He says as if that's ever going to happen in a million years, but look. He's not pushing Wei Wuxian off of him, that's the best Mr. Gremlin is going to get after that stunt.]
[IT WOULDN'T MEAN A LOT ANYWAY since Wei Wuxian has a natural immunity to dirty and angry looks.]
I will, I will. [Ah, the flippancy of a demon. He'll accept not being pushed off for all of like 5 seconds before he's trying to barnacle onto Lan Wangji's arm again...]
Show me some mercy, will you? I haven't warmed up yet. I'll be good this time, it's a promise! Just kick me into the lava if I break it.
[HE'D DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT IF HE THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK (no he wouldn't).
He does sigh out loud this time, side-eying him a little longer like he's debating pulling away again--but then he settles, albeit with less grace than he usually has. Cut him some slack, he's being TORTURED OVER HERE.]
How long will this take? [If it lasts all afternoon he's definitely going to combust from his Big Gay Feelings.]
Unconsciousness would require greater trust than this.
[AS IF HE'D LEAVE HIS UNCONSCIOUS BODY IN THE HANDS OF WEI "ACTUAL DEMON" WUXIAN even though that's exactly what he does during their promposal. Listen, shut up.]
[TO BE FAIR THAT WASN'T ENTIRELY HIS CHOICE it's not his fault his reflexes are insane.]
Lan Zhan! We've known each other for this long already and you can still say things like that to me? I'll be dead for the last time by the time you trust me at this rate!
[Maybe it's because they've known each other this long that Lan Wangji doesn't trust his little gremlin soul...]
[That's true. At least he punched himself instead of taking his panic out on the nearest trees.
Also yeah he's absolutely just giving Wei Wuxian a look that says "you know exactly what you would do if unsupervised around someone's unconscious body and it would be utterly embarrassing at minimum."
He figures that doesn't need to be voiced, so instead, easily--] I trust you when it matters.
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I don't invite them to! [He says, having literally offered his service as a murder victim up to Itaru a week or two ago.] They just know they can have a good time with me, probably.
[Absolutely terrible phrasing. HE REALLY CAN'T EVER LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.]
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(Or maybe he wants to see, just once, what it's like if he doesn't automatically fight against what he wants.)
Regardless, Wei Wuxian's not going to make it easy on him, it seems. Lan Wangji fixes his gaze on the wall across from them, ignoring the urge to cross his arms like a child.]
Hm.
[HE PICKED UP ON THAT PHRASING AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT ONE SINGLE BIT.]
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What a prickly reaction, though... What a prickly guy! He sighs, curling his fingers into the crook of Lan Wangji's elbow to give his arm a petulant tug or three. He is absolutely pouting. What a goblin-like creature. Just throw him into the lava goddamn.]
Aiyo, Lan Zhan - why don't you ever look at me when we're talking unless you're trying to kill or scold me? Is my handsome face too much for you? Come on, don't talk to the wall. I'm much more interesting!
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He breathes out through his nose, heavily tempted to ignore Wei Wuxian, and keep staring at the wall. They're already far too close--all this touching is hard enough for him to handle, and he doesn't want to hear Wei Wuxian's joking flirtations, especially right after being made to think about him with other people. (FUCKIN ITARU.) It would be easy enough to hold out; he has plenty of practice ignoring Wei Wuxian.
But--they are pressed together like this, and he knows himself. He won't pull away, or let Wei Wuxian pull away, until the charm has worn off. And if he's already permitted himself this much, then...
On a whim, he shifts, turning to stare directly at Wei Wuxian's face with the sort of intent focus he reserves for very important things.
YOUR MOVE, GREMLIN.]
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Wow though he didn't actually expect that. There's a second where he's blinking in open surprise... But then he's just GRINNING A GREMLIN GRIN. It's easier to not be flustered when 1) his face is thicker than Arctic ice and 2) he's sure Lan Wangji is just doing this because, as usual, he can't seem to help but rise and take the all-too-obvious bait. Which just makes him want to bully more! The vicious cycle continues!! If only he wasn't so fun to tease for mysterious reasons he can't figure out.
Apparently they're playing gay chicken now though, since he leans in further himself, definitely too close to be appropriate. He's still chilly, but the way he hugs Lan Wangji's arm to his chest is absolutely just a flirtatious tease this time instead of an attempt to warm up.]
Well? What do you think, Lan Zhan? Do you like what you see?
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Wei Wuxian earns himself a sharp inhale, and Lan Wangji's eyes dart across his face, taking in his expression. It makes him press his lips together, brow furrowing in apparent discontent--but he gave in and looked when Wei Wuxian asked him to, so he isn't going to look away now. He's tensing up again, and his hand twitches where it's still resting on Wei Wuxian's side, but otherwise he seems to be doing his best statue impersonation.]
Shameless. [It's the best reply he's got when he can't actually say "no".]
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Mm, you've said that before, yes. You know, at this rate I'm going to actually start to believe it's true!
[But gosh how could it ever be!! He, an innocent Wei Wuxian, has never been shameless a day in his life.]
But you know, Lan Zhan - that isn't a yes or a no. How rare! I'll have to remember this.
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What would you do if I said "yes"?
[He's not-- saying it outright, but. Listen. He just wants to know where Wei Wuxian thinks this is going, okay. Is it even possible to fluster him back, or does he actually have a flirtatious response to everything? Lan Wangji's always assumed the latter--he knows he has no hope of winning anything with words, even if he'd wanted to. But something brazen's taken hold of him, and he speaks before he thinks. It's becoming a bad habit and it's entirely Wei Wuxian's fault.]
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It is possible to surprise him, though. Lan Wangji's done it again and again in the span of just a few minutes - more surprises than he's gotten from Lan Wangji outside of Surprise Death in ages. He's a terrible gremlin with no face to lose, though! The antes are being upped and Wei Wuxian's not about to be outdone.
So he unhooks his demon hands from Lan Wangji's arm, instead moving one up to his cheek and sitting upright--]
Then it would only be fair if I gave you a better angle to look at, right?
[--So he can, in one fluid motion, slide himself over onto Lan Wangji's lap instead. Now Lan Wangji doesn't have to turn his head to look! He grabs this poor soul's face with both hands, grinning and fully expecting like .2 seconds before he gets kicked down into the lava below.]
Better?
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Don't--!
[Don't tease he almost, almost says--but that would be giving away far too much, so he cuts himself off, and just sort of. Stares, eyes still wide.]
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Ha-- ow, ow— Ahaha - Lan Zhan, how cute! [HIS RED EARS. He reaches forward to tweak one gently with a hand, scrambling to right himself. At least he doesn't sit in Lan Wangji's lap again, even if he still sticks himself right back against his side.]
Come on, be kind to me. I'm still not warmed up all the way.
[IT'S HIS WIN, HE DESERVES SOMETHING NICE.]
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Inappropriate. [He mutters it, embarrassed at his own wild overreaction, at Wei Wuxian's shamelessness--and frustrated with himself, for reasons he doesn't dare get distracted by here.] Behave yourself.
[He says as if that's ever going to happen in a million years, but look. He's not pushing Wei Wuxian off of him, that's the best Mr. Gremlin is going to get after that stunt.]
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I will, I will. [Ah, the flippancy of a demon. He'll accept not being pushed off for all of like 5 seconds before he's trying to barnacle onto Lan Wangji's arm again...]
Show me some mercy, will you? I haven't warmed up yet. I'll be good this time, it's a promise! Just kick me into the lava if I break it.
[That is certainly one way to warm up.]
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He does sigh out loud this time, side-eying him a little longer like he's debating pulling away again--but then he settles, albeit with less grace than he usually has. Cut him some slack, he's being TORTURED OVER HERE.]
How long will this take? [If it lasts all afternoon he's definitely going to combust from his Big Gay Feelings.]
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I don't know! An hour? Half an hour? It's not that bad if it's a little bit of time, is it?
[He seems pretty comfortable at least, even if Lan Wangji's not the most comfortable bed in the world.]
If you get bored, just take a nap or something.
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ALSO WHAT THE HECK IT HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN UNFAIR AND ALWAYS PROVOKED even if the provocation was just Wei Wuxian existing.]
No.
[TO WHICH ONE. (To all of it but he'll never admit it.)]
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Hah, really? And here I thought you'd take any chance to be unconscious while stuck with me! Braver than you look.
[Of course he naturally assumes Lan Wangji is referring only to the "just take a nap" part.]
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[AS IF HE'D LEAVE HIS UNCONSCIOUS BODY IN THE HANDS OF WEI "ACTUAL DEMON" WUXIAN even though that's exactly what he does during their promposal. Listen, shut up.]
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Lan Zhan! We've known each other for this long already and you can still say things like that to me? I'll be dead for the last time by the time you trust me at this rate!
[Maybe it's because they've known each other this long that Lan Wangji doesn't trust his little gremlin soul...]
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Also yeah he's absolutely just giving Wei Wuxian a look that says "you know exactly what you would do if unsupervised around someone's unconscious body and it would be utterly embarrassing at minimum."
He figures that doesn't need to be voiced, so instead, easily--] I trust you when it matters.